How to Support a Survivor
Helping someone through the healing process can take a lot out of you. Remember that you do not need to go it alone, and that getting support for yourself will help you better support your loved one. Trained advocates are available on the Rape Crisis Line at 335.6000 or the Iowa Sexual Abuse Hotline at 800.284.7821 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Page Contents
Emotional Support | Ways to Help | Actions to Take | Issues of Safety | Options and Referral | Intimacy
If you want to help your friend, relative or partner in concrete ways, be creative, but recognize your limitations. Do not offer more than you can give. Try to think about what kind of support you can offer now and weeks from now. Withdrawing support because you are overcommitted can be hurtful to the victim/survivor. Any assistance, however small it seems to you, will demonstrate your concern and care. Your care and help can aid your friend, relative or partner in recovery and healthy adjustment. RVAP has developed a brochure for parents (PDF Document) to help aid them in the healing process when a child has been sexually assaulted.
Each victim/survivor's reaction to being raped is individual. It follows that the victim/survivor's pain and needs will be unique, as well. Therefore, any advice about how to help, including the following information, should be considered only as a starting point.
Emotional Support
Let the Victim/Survivor Take the Lead in Their Own Recovery
The sexual assault often leaves the victim/survivor feeling a loss of control over her/his life. Right now the victim/survivor needs to be in control of her/his own actions — so don’t force the victim/survivor in any way. Regardless of how sincere you are, being pushy or coercive will not be helpful.
For instance, if the victim/survivor wants to talk, be open to listening. If you aren’t comfortable listening, don’t tell her/him not to talk, but help to find someone who can listen. If the victim/survivor doesn’t want to talk, don’t try to force it — the victim/survivor needs to set her/his own pace. Ask “How can I be helpful to you?” If the victim/survivor is contemplating some decision (i.e., getting a medical exam, reporting to the police, moving), help her/him explore their options and then let her/him have control over the decision.
Accept the fact that after the crisis seems to have passed, and in your judgment it seems that things should be getting back to normal, your friend, relative or partner may still be having difficulty adjusting. The victim/survivor may need to talk about feelings long after you have lost interest in listening. She/he may still feel traumatized even though, from your perspective, she/he should be fully recovered or functional. Keep in mind that the psychological after-effects can last for years. This might be a good time to suggest to the victim/survivor that you understand that healing takes a long time and she/he might benefit from the support of a rape crisis counselor or private therapy. Try to help the victim/survivor resist putting timelines on their healing. Even more importantly, be sure that you are not putting timelines on his or her healing.
Recognize That Nothing You Can Do Can Erase the Rape
There is no way to change the fact that it has happened. Understanding this should take a huge burden off of you. You’re not supposed to change history. Just be a loving and non-judgmental friend, relative or partner.
You also could not have prevented the rape. Friends and family often feel as though they should have been able to stop this from happening. Remember, only the rapist can stop rape. Sometimes friends and family are angry that this happened to their loved one and want to seek revenge on the offender. This response often frightens the victim and adds further anxiety to an already traumatic event. The victim/survivor may “shut down” or try to take care of her angry friend or family member. This makes it more difficult for the victim/survivor to focus on her/his own healing process. If you are experiencing feelings of rage about the assault or thoughts of revenge, it is essential that you seek help in dealing with those feelings. It is important that the victim/survivor not have to deal with your reactions of anger and revenge.
Accept the Victim/Survivor's Experience the Way it Happened
Don’t second-guess the victim/survivor's behavior. “You should haves” or “you shouldn’t haves” (ex., "you should have fought") can only increase the pain after the fact. This is not helpful to the victim/survivor. Don’t focus on the victim/survivor's behavior when it is the rapist’s behavior that should be condemned. Nothing the victim/survivor did or didn’t do caused the rape.
Leave Comparisons Alone
It doesn’t help to compare the victim/survivor's experience with others who have been raped. Someday the victim/survivor might want to learn more about the reactions of other rape victims/survivors, but any such discussion should be at her/his own request. And don’t compare what did happen with what could have happened. The victim/survivor already knows how much worse it could have been. Remember that during the attack, it is not uncommon for a victim/survivor to fear for their life. It’s up to the victim/survivor to decide whether or not she/he was “lucky” to have survived and not have been more seriously injured.
Face the Issue
Well-meaning people often tell the victim/survivor of a crisis, “don’t worry/don’t cry/don’t think about it.” This is asking the impossible and it’s not helpful to someone who has been raped. Telling the victim/survivor to deny or downplay the experience she/he has just been through might suggest how uncomfortable you are rather than how concerned you are. Neither the crime nor its aftermath will go away by ignoring them.
Be Ready to Listen
It is helpful to let the victim/survivor know she/he can discuss this experience with you if she/he wants to. Some victims/survivors need to process the experience by repeating details or talking about feelings. Other victims/survivors may want to talk, but not about the particulars of the rape. Try to listen non-judgmentally and don’t ask specific questions. Your interest in knowing the details of the sexual assault should not overpower your desire to be supportive and gentle with the victim/survivor. Offer the opportunity to talk but never insist that talking will cure the victim/survivor. Remember, the victim/survivor has just been coerced and won’t be helped by further coercion, however well meant.
Ways to Help:
Respect Her/His Confidentiality
Your friend, family member, or partner needs to have control over the details of her/his assault. She/he needs to decide who knows about the assault and how much is shared. Ask her/him what they want others to know.
Get Support for Yourself
Rape crisis counselors are aware that the violence of the act can affect others close to the victim/survivor. They can respond directly to your questions and concerns. The Rape Victim Advocacy Program offers counseling to friends and family of victims/survivors. Your willingness to get support for yourself and information for the vistim/survivor can help the healing process for everyone.
Assist with Routine Tasks
For some time after the attack, routine chores and responsibilities may seem burdensome for your friend, relative or partner. This person may be grateful for assistance with errands, child care, laundry, etc. To the extent that you are able, offer to help with these tasks and be prepared to follow through.
Use Your Own Experiences to Guide You
Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt vulnerable or faced a crisis: the death of someone you loved, the end of a marriage, a life-threatening illness, or loss of a job. Remember what helped you the most. Chances are it wasn’t any one conversation or any one action, but rather the knowledge that friends believed you, empathized with your pain, were on your side, and were committed to seeing you through hard times.
Actions to Take
Get Educated
Rape is ugly. It is scary. You may be uncomfortable thinking about it. But these feelings may be the result of misconceptions about rape and rape victims. Much of what you see and hear about rape can reinforce your misunderstandings about it. You can’t deny your own feelings, but don’t let them interfere with the concern and aid you’re trying to give. The Rape Victim Advocacy Program has literature that gives basic information about rape, as well as specific information for partners, family and friends on how to be helpful.
Get Involved
If you’re feeling frustrated because you can’t help as much as you’d like, consider getting involved in rape victim advocacy programs. This is a constructive way of showing your friend, relative or partner the depth of your concern.
Issues of Safety
Going Out
Sometimes the daily routines of life will be threatening to a person dealing with the aftermath of rape. Traveling home late from work or an evening class or even grocery shopping may be frightening. If your friend, relative or partner expresses concern about safety in these situations, you might offer to drive her/him home or accompany her/him on public transportation.
Home Security
Regardless of where the rape occurred, the victim will probably be concerned about the safety of her/his house or apartment. You can help install locks on the doors and windows, or help with other security measures the victim/survivor wants to take. This person may decide to move to a new apartment or house. You can help search for one or assist with the moving chores.
Need to Get Away
Depending upon the circumstances of the attack, your friend, relative or partner may appreciate having a place to stay for awhile outside her/his home. Alternatively, the victim may appreciate having a companion stay in her/his home. For victims/survivors of rape, fear is a predominant emotion for a considerable time afterwards. It can surface any time especially when the victim is feeling vulnerable. It may intensify when she/he is alone. Consider making your home available as a temporary refuge. Or consider spending a few days at the victim/survivors home. If your family or other responsibilities prevent you from making this kind of commitment, you might offer to arrange a schedule of regular phone calls.
Note:
Keep in mind that sheltering the victim/survivor or offering assistance is a serious responsibility. The victim/survivor's pain will be closer to you as you take on the role of comforter. Make sure you’re prepared to make a commitment of this nature before offering. Knowing and respecting your own limitations is important. Try to think about what kind of support you can offer now and weeks from now. Withdrawing support because you overcommitted can be hurtful to the victim/survivor.
Options and Referral:
Medical
If the assault is recent, you may want to suggest to the victim/survivor that they seek medical attention. In Iowa the sexual assault medical exam is paid for by the State. The victim/survivor will be offered free medication to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Evidence can be collected in case the victim/survivor chooses to press charges now or sometime in the future. Most importantly, the victim/survivor will be examined to make sure she/he is physically okay. It is helpful to have an advocate present during the hospital process and RVAP provides this service. Offer the medical exam as an option and respect the victim/survivor's decision about whether or not to receive one.
Financial
For many victims/survivors, rape has considerable financial consequences. The victim/survivor may not be compensated for time lost from work, whether immediately after the attack or later during the trial. The victim/survivor may incur the expense of moving to a new home, or making other lifestyle changes that increase living expenses. Don’t assume that an offer of financial help from you would seem insensitive. You can also tell her/him about the Crime Victim Compensation Program, which reimburses victims/survivors for costs incurred as a result of the crime.
Rape victims/survivors who reside in the U.S., and who are about to testify in the criminal trial are eligible to apply for a grant to cover the expenses of a support person or persons who will accompany them to court. The trial venue must be over 60 miles from the residence of the support persons in order to qualify. Visit The It Happened to Alexa Foundation's web site for more information.
Legal
Often family and friends believe that victims/survivors should report their assault to the police and pursue legal options. It is important to know that this may be an option that is acceptable to some victims/survivors, but that for most victims/survivors this is not something they choose to do. While the criminal justice system can provide a sense of justice for some victims/survivors, for others it feels like a re-victimization. Until our society puts the blame for the assault on the offender, holds offenders accountable, and stops blaming the rape victim/survivor, many victims/survivors will choose not to pursue legal recourse. It is not the victim’s/survivor's responsibility to stop the offender from raping again. Only rapists can stop rape.
If the victim/survivor chose to report the assault and her attacker is caught, and your friend, relative, or partner decides to prosecute, your support will be critically important. There are likely to be numerous contacts with the prosecutor as well as one or more hearings and trial dates. The victim/survivor may have to go to court several times. It may be helpful to have an advocate from the Rape Victim Advocacy Program accompany the victim/survivor through the legal process. In Iowa, victims/survivors have the right to an advocate during all medical and legal processes. At any point throughout the court processes, consider offering to accompany her/him. Perhaps you could organize a few other friends who would be willing to rotate the responsibility. This would enable her/him to have support, but would not tax one person. It may be helpful to encourage the victim/survivor to separate her/his healing process from the outcome of the criminal case. While she/he can not control the legal outcome, she/he is fully in control of her/his healing.
Counseling
Make sure that your friend, relative or partner knows that there are community resources to contact for support. If the victim/survivor seems interested, offer to help get information. The Rape Victim Advocacy Program offers free short-term counseling and can help with referral to local therapists for long-term counseling. If the victim/survivor chooses to seek counseling or therapy from a psychologist or a psychiatrist, she/he should be aware that not all have training in the special needs of rape victims/survivors. You might offer to help do some screening of potential therapists by calling and asking them if their areas of expertise include counseling for rape victims/survivors. If you do help with the screening, present your friend, relative or partner with the options, then let her/him decide. Resist the temptation to choose for her/him. The victim/survivor needs to make her/his own decisions and have control over her/his own life.
Intimacy:
Resuming or Starting a Sexual Relationship
Rape can affect a victim/survivor's feelings about sex for some time after an assault. Some victimssurvivors find that sex stirs up frightening feelings, which they associate with the rape experience and are more comfortable if lovemaking is limited to holding and hugging. Other victims/survivors experience no difficulty in this regard, distinguishing quickly between rape and consensual sexuality, and might welcome their partner’s desire for intimacy. A lover must recognize the possibility of temporary change in an intimate relationship. If your partner wants to refrain from sexual activity for a while it is essential that you honor her/his wishes. Otherwise your partner may feel rushed or frightened by your desire to be sexual. Try to talk openly about this issue even if you have never talked openly about this subject before. It is vital to communicate now. If she/he hasn’t brought up the subject, gently ask about it. As in other aspects of her/his recovery from rape, your partner’s needs should be of primary importance and should guide your actions. Let your partner know you are willing to follow her/his lead.
The opportunity to talk about this with someone outside the relationship has been helpful to others who have been intimately involved with a rape vistim/survivor. Consider seeing a rape counselor or therapist to discuss your feelings if you’re comfortable.
Remember that even though some things change between you and your partner for some time, most victims/survivors recover from the trauma of rape and re-establish loving and full lives.
The empathy and concern you demonstrate during this critical period can aid in recovery and strengthen the bond between you. Your relationship can emerge strong and intact.
