If Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

Other information of this Website you may want to read:
Child Sexual Assault | Victim Impact | Resources | Lending Library

As the non-offending parent of a child who has been sexually abused you are likely to feel overwhelmed with a multitiude of feelings.

Two primary feelings which you may be experiencing are anger and guilt. Anger that someone could do such a horrendous thing to your child. And guilt that you were not able to protect your child.

Any feelings of anger you might be experiencing are perfectly normal. Any parent would feel the same way. The perpetrator deserves every bit of anger you may feel towards them. However, you do not deserve the anger which you may have directed towards yourself. It is important to you and to your child's healing that you understand and beleive that neither you nor your child are to blame for the abuse. Instead, try to put the energy you may have been expending on self-blame and self-anger towards your healing, your child's healing, and the healing of your family.

All parents beleive that they should be able to protect thier child from anything that might threaten to harm them, including sexual abuse. However, we cannot protect our loved ones from all harm, especially when it is perpetrated by someone we and our child trusted.

It is important to understand that your trust and the trust of your child is precisely what child sex offenders count on to manipulte and create vulnerability. If this were an obvious process there would not be so many children who have been assaulted and abused (at least one in 5 boys and 1 out of 3 girls will be sexually abuse before the age of 18*). While we sometimes can tell that someone has "bad vibes" and we steer ourselves and our children clear, most of the time offenders are someone that we know, and have known, for quite some time. We have a right to trust other people and expect to be safe. We need to trust other people to go about our lives in a healthy and happy manner.

What happened to your child is not your fault. It is not your child's fault. You did not make the choices that brought your child to harm, nor was it your child's choices. The fault lies squarely upon the person who chose to sexually abuse your child. It was the offender's choice to harm your child.

It is important to understand the dynamics of childhood sexual assault and the people who commit it to better understand how it was not you or your child's 'fault' that this happened. More often than not the perpetrator establishes a relationship with you and your child with the intent of molestation. The pattern of behaviors used in this process is known as grooming.

You may feel overwhelmed or fearful of the process of child sexual abuse investigation.

You and your child have been through a great deal. It is important that you take care of yourself and your emotional needs in order to be there for your child when he or she needs you.

Many of the things any victims/survivors of sexual assault experience, you too may experience. You have been traumatized vicariously. Therefore you will experience many of the same physical, behaviorial, psychological, and spiritual issues. You are not crazy for feeling such things.

A few helpful book titles you may be interested in:

Adams, Caren (1992). Helping Your Child Recover from Sexual Abuse. University of Washington Press.

Monahon, Cynthia. (1993). Children and Trauma: A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Heal. Lexington Books, New York.

Reeves, Claire. (2003). Childhood Should Not Hurt.
LTI Publishing, North Carolina.

Brohl, Katherine (2004). When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parent's Guide to Healing and Recovery Wiley Publishing,

To Learn More About Child Sexual Preditors:

"When it comes to such a frightening topic as the sexual abuse of children, it's important to achieve a balance between informed parenting and outright panic. Protecting Your Children from Sexual Predators manages to walk that line, while providing concerned caregivers with a deep education in the topic."

excerpted from:

Baker, Leigh (2002). Protecting you Children From Sexual Predators

Brochure from The National Center for Victims of Crime:
Teen Tools Just for Parents (How a parent can help a teen victim.)